Morning time to ponder truth
Reflect upon thy waster youth
Troubled times with no great fear
Chances passed year by year
Yearned to see thy great ascend
Produced a heart that needs much mend
Youthful days passed into night
Mature life's ways began its plight
Life's weight began to take its toll
Exposed thy heart which wasn't whole
Absence of thy love's divine
Brought light above to thy world's entwine
Tangled by my choices web
Hope's great light began to ebb
As the sun breaks through on a brand new day
Thy Word of God began to light the way
Path unseen in past time
A path revealed described as mine
Foot's first step revealed much more
But a silhouette of love's adore
With hand extended warm and true
"This path to Me, I made for you"
With heart contrite, full of regret
My hand extended, my heart He met
At first I cannot express my heart's feel
Til His gentle spirit began to reveal
"You are mine and I am yours"
Began to unlock and open doors
As I walked with life's Great Lamb
He described to me just who I am
"You are my brother, my son, my child"
"I will soon call you home in a while"
"So don't fret on things of past"
"My blood has washed them away in mass"
"Join me and serve my children's needs"
"And I'll crown thee upon thy bended knees"
Friday, September 5, 2008
A Father's Cry - Poem
Oh my beautiful child, how I love to be with you
Walk by the day in the morning dew
You seem so weary, so weak from strife
If only you'd reach out to me, I would give you life
So burdened, so determined, so strong
I am so proud of you, how can I get you to see you're wrong
My fondness of you holds no bound
I weep over your thoughts of being drown
My child, my child please don't take one more step
For earthly life is rubbish, your call to heaven not yet
Cry out to me and let your tears flow
For I understand, it was I who created the undertow
Trust me, take hold, my grip is true
Reach for me, for I will rescue you
There is no worry or sorrow in my embrace
There is no one lost without a trace
For I have known you from before the earth
I cared for you before your birth
Your are my child, my desire, my deepest love
I will care for you down here from above
Oh my beautiful child, take my hand and walk with me a while
I will care for you in heavenly father style
Walk by the day in the morning dew
You seem so weary, so weak from strife
If only you'd reach out to me, I would give you life
So burdened, so determined, so strong
I am so proud of you, how can I get you to see you're wrong
My fondness of you holds no bound
I weep over your thoughts of being drown
My child, my child please don't take one more step
For earthly life is rubbish, your call to heaven not yet
Cry out to me and let your tears flow
For I understand, it was I who created the undertow
Trust me, take hold, my grip is true
Reach for me, for I will rescue you
There is no worry or sorrow in my embrace
There is no one lost without a trace
For I have known you from before the earth
I cared for you before your birth
Your are my child, my desire, my deepest love
I will care for you down here from above
Oh my beautiful child, take my hand and walk with me a while
I will care for you in heavenly father style
Monday, September 1, 2008
Renewed Hope
My story is not unique and yet one of a kind. It is both nothing to talk about and everything everyone should hear. My story is simply about the revelation that I am just a man. Full of faults, failures, shame, greed, lust, contempt, worry and sorrow. A man that had thought that he understood God and what he was to me. A man so full of himself that he could not recognize the agonizing loneliness he had slipped into. You see, I was a 'self-made' man. I had all, did all, knew all and truly believed that you needed my relational wisdom to finally be all you could be. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? But it is completely true. Still, as ludicrous as it sounds, I had to have that repeated to me in bits and pieces before I began to take notice of the darkness that had taken complete control of me. I wasn't evil. I wasn't demented. I was simply lost. My story is about believing a lie for absolute truth and the incalculable damage it can do to you and me.
All my life I had tried to get my father's attention. All my life I strove for his approval and satisfaction in me. All my life I have lived with this need to perform that had driven me to great success and dreadful failure. I've been divorced, separated from my children, bankrupt, had a business fail, had poor digestive health, investments fail, repossession, been homeless, addicted to porn, hungry and depressed. I have also owned houses, multiple vehicles, great performing investments, remarried, great friends, renewed family relationships, and new bright white devotion to Jesus. However, outside of moments with Jesus, I felt no different from good or bad (with some noted times of high anxiety). I could never understand how I could feel nothing. How could my heart be so hard. I had to come to a point of my life where my cycle of failure was sweeping through my life did I finally get fed up with it and cried out to God to show me what was going on. Why am I so stone cold?
Well, can I remind you to be careful with what you ask. In this case I am eternally grateful for our Heavenly Father's faithfulness. He took me on an amazing journey to self analysis and discovery. To this day I am still on the journey only with a whole new focus. I'll reserve that for another topic. What God first revealed to me was that I was too proud. "God apposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." The day after I cried out to God this scripture was given to me by a friend who stopped by and said he was lead by God to share with me. I knew it was my answer and it made perfect sense. My pride had hardened my heart and made it impossible to anything to work. I had been this way for as long as I could remember. It made me question my salvation and realize that I was aware of Jesus as the salvation of the world, and that he, God and Holy Spirit exist. It also became very clear through a message from our pastor on the importance of repentance and reception. I had not repented of my rebellious proud ways. It was these very ways that hardened my heart to the point of not knowing what repentance really meant, how it felt, and most importantly...how to do it. My pastor went on to explain the importance of the next step with the reception, which is simply calling my salvation mine as a gift and nothing else. Laying hold of this gift and accepting the change Jesus will do in me. Once I hear this I understood I was not saved. Went to church, did church functions, prayed for people, worshiped God, but was not saved. So on December 11th, 2007, I received my salvation as my own. All this happened in a very dark time as my financial world was being destroyed. And yet, I finally felt free. But there was still more work to do.
I had gone through a class called Valiant Man. This is something that every man, woman, father, son, husband and wife should go through to help with understanding the sexuality of men. Its approach is both scientific, biochemical and most importantly spiritual. It was through this class that it was first revealed to me about hidden lies that we believe as absolute truth. It has forever changed my life and sent me on a life long mission to help men and women live free from these debilitating ideas. What was revealed to me was that I believed that I was truly unworthy. Unworthy of anything good. Second rate. Trash. It has many descriptions. I was blown away. It made so much sense. All of my self destructive, self medicative behaviours, addictive habits suddenly made sense. I finally was able to see my symptoms apart from the sickness. They had always looked the same to me. Making me feel like I had many things wrong with me and each one had to me dealt with individually. Now I had only one thing to tackle and overcome. Treat the sickness and the symptoms WILL go away. I felt like someone had lifted a car off of my shoulders. I was living my life controlled by a lie. I felt relief and felt stupid all at the same time. (Feeling stupid is quite normal). I recognized this as the work of my enemy and set out to conquer it. I began to spend quality time in the Word every day. God began to feed me with Truth and love. He began to show me the son he saw me as. He began to heal my pain and take it from me. But there was still more work to do.
Recently my wife and I attended a conference, Jesus-ministry. Absolutely AMAZING!!! It was here that God began to peel off the final layers of my lie. You see, it had occurred to me that my unworthiness may be a symptom itself. That it had its own cause and origin. Boy, was I right about that. It was at the end of the conference what one of the pastors was speaking to a group that was about to be prayed for. He shared a story about his childhood and his hateful relationship with him mother and father. And how he didn't get a chance to rekindle that relationship after he had come to Christ, because his mother had passed away. (I was already crying by now. It was a very touching story). He went on to explain a process he went through in forgiving his mother and father for his difficulty childhood. He explain how he talked through the his own discovery of a lie that he had believed in that kept his anger toward his parents so intense. He described a memory of how he in and around his extended family at a large gathering. Where grandparents, brothers, sisters, cousins and the whole gang site around a spit barbs at each other bringing up memories most people would like not to remember. You might have had a family experience like this as well. It was here that he remembered when stories were told, one was told of how his parents got pregnant with him. That he was unplanned, a mistake, a hindrance to their future plans, he had screwed up their young lives. Well, that was not how it was actually talked about, but the pastor explained how it was how HE heard it. From a very early age, he had heard the story repeated over and over again on how he was a mistake.
It hit me harder than anything in my life.
That was it.
My story that I listened to was that source of my unworthiness. I was sick to my stomach, crying uncontrollably and in total disbelief over my own revelation. You see, my parents got pregnant with me before they were married as well. My dad was getting ready to go to spring training with the Kansas City Royals to play baseball. My mother had and opportunity to go to college or work for the telephone company. Then I came along. I changed all of their plans. They changed all of their plans to take care of me. I heard that story so many times I could remember the smell of my family gathering every time I think about it. Amazing, I still do to this day. You see, I took responsibility for them missing out and have spent my entire life trying to make up for it. Every time that I didn't get acknowledgement for my efforts I would self-destruct and fail. This pattern never changed until a year ago. (Yes I do see that is unhealthy thinking). Now, I see it for what it was. It was not my fault. It was my parents choice. I even shared this revelation with both of my parents and with amazing loving grace they shared their hearts with me over what really took place in their minds and hearts. I am finally free of this prison. I am finally free to live my life for me. I finally do not have to earn my Heavenly Father's affection. He has shown me he has always loved me completely. The kind of love I've been looking for all of my life.
He has saved me.
He has restored me.
He has renewed me. And if you let him.
He will do the same for you.
All my life I had tried to get my father's attention. All my life I strove for his approval and satisfaction in me. All my life I have lived with this need to perform that had driven me to great success and dreadful failure. I've been divorced, separated from my children, bankrupt, had a business fail, had poor digestive health, investments fail, repossession, been homeless, addicted to porn, hungry and depressed. I have also owned houses, multiple vehicles, great performing investments, remarried, great friends, renewed family relationships, and new bright white devotion to Jesus. However, outside of moments with Jesus, I felt no different from good or bad (with some noted times of high anxiety). I could never understand how I could feel nothing. How could my heart be so hard. I had to come to a point of my life where my cycle of failure was sweeping through my life did I finally get fed up with it and cried out to God to show me what was going on. Why am I so stone cold?
Well, can I remind you to be careful with what you ask. In this case I am eternally grateful for our Heavenly Father's faithfulness. He took me on an amazing journey to self analysis and discovery. To this day I am still on the journey only with a whole new focus. I'll reserve that for another topic. What God first revealed to me was that I was too proud. "God apposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." The day after I cried out to God this scripture was given to me by a friend who stopped by and said he was lead by God to share with me. I knew it was my answer and it made perfect sense. My pride had hardened my heart and made it impossible to anything to work. I had been this way for as long as I could remember. It made me question my salvation and realize that I was aware of Jesus as the salvation of the world, and that he, God and Holy Spirit exist. It also became very clear through a message from our pastor on the importance of repentance and reception. I had not repented of my rebellious proud ways. It was these very ways that hardened my heart to the point of not knowing what repentance really meant, how it felt, and most importantly...how to do it. My pastor went on to explain the importance of the next step with the reception, which is simply calling my salvation mine as a gift and nothing else. Laying hold of this gift and accepting the change Jesus will do in me. Once I hear this I understood I was not saved. Went to church, did church functions, prayed for people, worshiped God, but was not saved. So on December 11th, 2007, I received my salvation as my own. All this happened in a very dark time as my financial world was being destroyed. And yet, I finally felt free. But there was still more work to do.
I had gone through a class called Valiant Man. This is something that every man, woman, father, son, husband and wife should go through to help with understanding the sexuality of men. Its approach is both scientific, biochemical and most importantly spiritual. It was through this class that it was first revealed to me about hidden lies that we believe as absolute truth. It has forever changed my life and sent me on a life long mission to help men and women live free from these debilitating ideas. What was revealed to me was that I believed that I was truly unworthy. Unworthy of anything good. Second rate. Trash. It has many descriptions. I was blown away. It made so much sense. All of my self destructive, self medicative behaviours, addictive habits suddenly made sense. I finally was able to see my symptoms apart from the sickness. They had always looked the same to me. Making me feel like I had many things wrong with me and each one had to me dealt with individually. Now I had only one thing to tackle and overcome. Treat the sickness and the symptoms WILL go away. I felt like someone had lifted a car off of my shoulders. I was living my life controlled by a lie. I felt relief and felt stupid all at the same time. (Feeling stupid is quite normal). I recognized this as the work of my enemy and set out to conquer it. I began to spend quality time in the Word every day. God began to feed me with Truth and love. He began to show me the son he saw me as. He began to heal my pain and take it from me. But there was still more work to do.
Recently my wife and I attended a conference, Jesus-ministry. Absolutely AMAZING!!! It was here that God began to peel off the final layers of my lie. You see, it had occurred to me that my unworthiness may be a symptom itself. That it had its own cause and origin. Boy, was I right about that. It was at the end of the conference what one of the pastors was speaking to a group that was about to be prayed for. He shared a story about his childhood and his hateful relationship with him mother and father. And how he didn't get a chance to rekindle that relationship after he had come to Christ, because his mother had passed away. (I was already crying by now. It was a very touching story). He went on to explain a process he went through in forgiving his mother and father for his difficulty childhood. He explain how he talked through the his own discovery of a lie that he had believed in that kept his anger toward his parents so intense. He described a memory of how he in and around his extended family at a large gathering. Where grandparents, brothers, sisters, cousins and the whole gang site around a spit barbs at each other bringing up memories most people would like not to remember. You might have had a family experience like this as well. It was here that he remembered when stories were told, one was told of how his parents got pregnant with him. That he was unplanned, a mistake, a hindrance to their future plans, he had screwed up their young lives. Well, that was not how it was actually talked about, but the pastor explained how it was how HE heard it. From a very early age, he had heard the story repeated over and over again on how he was a mistake.
It hit me harder than anything in my life.
That was it.
My story that I listened to was that source of my unworthiness. I was sick to my stomach, crying uncontrollably and in total disbelief over my own revelation. You see, my parents got pregnant with me before they were married as well. My dad was getting ready to go to spring training with the Kansas City Royals to play baseball. My mother had and opportunity to go to college or work for the telephone company. Then I came along. I changed all of their plans. They changed all of their plans to take care of me. I heard that story so many times I could remember the smell of my family gathering every time I think about it. Amazing, I still do to this day. You see, I took responsibility for them missing out and have spent my entire life trying to make up for it. Every time that I didn't get acknowledgement for my efforts I would self-destruct and fail. This pattern never changed until a year ago. (Yes I do see that is unhealthy thinking). Now, I see it for what it was. It was not my fault. It was my parents choice. I even shared this revelation with both of my parents and with amazing loving grace they shared their hearts with me over what really took place in their minds and hearts. I am finally free of this prison. I am finally free to live my life for me. I finally do not have to earn my Heavenly Father's affection. He has shown me he has always loved me completely. The kind of love I've been looking for all of my life.
He has saved me.
He has restored me.
He has renewed me. And if you let him.
He will do the same for you.
My First Christmas - Poem
From days of old to days of new
I've always thought I knew whats true
Toys of joy of a christmas wish
Meals with family a delicous dish
Lights and garland strung abound
Tastes of eggnog with nutmeg ground
Fire crackling with a hint of smoke
Blazes hotter by the cast iron stoke
Snow falls slowly outside like down
Trees and store are lit all over town
Songs of joy and memories of past
Bring me back to its true meaning fast
For God himself and from his heart
Looked down below and chose to empart
A plan so precious, glorious and true
He became a man, a baby so new
It was a gift to the world and to all
A miracle of grace which saves from the fall
I missed its meaning, his purpose, his truth
Until my life brought his presence and proof
I'm comletely humbled by this amazing gift
As god recognized I was completely adrift
He saved me
He save my soul
For all my pain, my worry, my struggl was made to achieve his only goal
To save me forever, save my eternal soul
I can no longer comprehend his greatness for me
However....I will forever appreciate being free
I've always thought I knew whats true
Toys of joy of a christmas wish
Meals with family a delicous dish
Lights and garland strung abound
Tastes of eggnog with nutmeg ground
Fire crackling with a hint of smoke
Blazes hotter by the cast iron stoke
Snow falls slowly outside like down
Trees and store are lit all over town
Songs of joy and memories of past
Bring me back to its true meaning fast
For God himself and from his heart
Looked down below and chose to empart
A plan so precious, glorious and true
He became a man, a baby so new
It was a gift to the world and to all
A miracle of grace which saves from the fall
I missed its meaning, his purpose, his truth
Until my life brought his presence and proof
I'm comletely humbled by this amazing gift
As god recognized I was completely adrift
He saved me
He save my soul
For all my pain, my worry, my struggl was made to achieve his only goal
To save me forever, save my eternal soul
I can no longer comprehend his greatness for me
However....I will forever appreciate being free
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