Why can I not find contentment or maybe a better word for it is peace? Why do I stir within as though I'm missing out on something? It must be because I am. To get that answer I had to go to the source. I cried out to God asking Him why my heart stirs. The answer was not shocking, but it was startling to say the least. I was disobedient. The Word say 'let every ear hear and and every eye see' and God showed me I was both deaf and blind. He opened scripture in a way I have never experienced. I have read the Word in the past. Or maybe a better way to say that, it that I have consumed the word before. I read it like it was a story. Now it is a good story, but not it's intent. I experienced times of breakthrough as I came across golden nugget phrases, but I had no idea how short I was falling to the truth it was speaking to me. Intellectually I was consuming it, spiritually I was not paying attention. That was when God intervened. He got my attention. He guided me to a series of authors who have already walked down this path of discovery. I began to read what God had showed them. Through these other authors words, I began to understand my condition. God made it abundantly clear why I could not see or hear. It was actually very simple to summarize. I could not see because I had no discipline and I could not hear because my heart was in pain. Without God revealing that to me I would never in a million years connect those dots on my own. To think my pain was the reason I was deaf was the most difficult to understand. My lack of discipline, however, was no surprise to me. The fact I had pain was no surprise either. But the fact it made me deaf was very hard to grasp.
So it began. This journey of self discovery. And it didn't go anywhere because I just walked through life for months thinking and contemplating the answer. Trying to make sense of it in my own power. I didn't accomplish anything. In fact, I had the opportunity to add to my hearts pain through continued bad decisions. It created a feeling of worthlessness in my heart that was impossible to ignore. However, following a personally devastating time I began to stop thinking about why and started to ask why? You see, I believe that all pain and suffering is designed to make us ask why. If you don't have Jesus to ask, you ask the world. If you have Christ, you ask Him. The amazing thing is, that with myself, even though I knew and believed in Christ I didn't go to Him first, I went to myself. Then to other men. And it was in my frustration of not getting anywhere near a decent explanation that God asked me, "Why don't you ask me?" Standing on this side of the moment it is difficult not to shake my head at myself in disbelief. How simple could that be? Ask Him. Nonetheless, it was perfect and beautiful. Because in asking me that simple question, He revealed what my hearts condition was. It was not orientated to Him as my source. While I acknowledged Him as God and Savior, I did not accept Him as my God and Savior. I had not accepted Him and made Him the source of all of my life. I had not made Him Lord. Which includes seeking him for the answers to all of my questions. To say that makes a difference in ones life is a monumental understatement. So, with as much humility I could muster, I asked.
Do you know there are no original questions? What I mean is that there are no questions being asked that have not been asked before. Interesting thought isn't it? So when I asked God, "Why had pain made me deaf and blind" He had an answer waiting for me. In fact, His response to me was more like, "Let me show you how I've answered this before." So He took me to Exodus and the story of Moses. A truly magnificent story. Where Moses is called by God to deliver the Israelites from Egypt. And I responded by saying, "...Ummm...thanks?!? Love the story, but what does that have to do with my question?" And that is when I began to understand. Not by my own power, but by what he was revealing to me. Revealing to my heart. I recognized that I had asked another question, but without hesitation it was directly to Him. A light turned on in my head. So I did what any normal person would do. I read the story again. Same thing...I went, "Huh?" I didn't get it. So I asked Him again, only this time I asked Him to reveal it. Show me what He wanted me to see. And to my grateful amazement, he did just that.
Israel had been in bondage 400 years. Think about that. Not one person alive could remember someone who had once been free, let alone know anyone who had been. They were all slaves and it was all they knew. Freedom was only found in the stories they kept alive through their believe system. There was no priesthood yet, so this responsibility fell to the elders and family heads. They delivered these messages through story telling. Freedom had been reduced to a story and quite possibly, legend. And what they as a people grabbed a hold of and gave them hope was the promise God gave Abraham of a land of his and his decedents. The believed and hoped for deliverance so that they could enter this land one day. So at a time when the oppression had reach a high level, they began to cry out to God to deliver them and this cry reach Gods ears. God responded by sending Moses. Most know the story of Moses delivering the Israelites and the dialog he had with Pharaoh, the plague that consumed Egypt and the parting of the Red Sea once Pharaoh relented. But what God wanted me to pay close attention to was what happened on the other side of the Red Sea.
After the Red Sea had returned to it's natural state and killed the entire Egyptian army, Moses lead Israel to the Mountain of God. They set up camp and God descended upon the mountain in a cloud. There were earthquakes, lightning, and thunder so loud that it is almost impossible to imagine it. It was an unprecedented scene. It was an unprecedented time. God was ready to receive Israel and meet them all face to face. He delivered them and now he wanted them to meet their deliverer. What God didn't tell them or Moses was that by meeting Him there were some serious changes that need to occur. You see, slavery was all these people knew. It was a horrible life, but is was their life. They had grown accustomed to it. And even though they have cried out to God to be delivered, they actually had come to like it. And that is where the problem lay. That deep within their hearts, they liked being a slave. It was safe because it was all they knew. God wanted them to have different perspective. He wanted them to meet Him and by His power, be transformed with a new mind and a new purpose. But that is not what happened. Israel could not let go of the old ways. They chose to remain slaves within their minds and to not be truly and completely set free by the power of God. They responded to their invitation by saying, "Moses, you go. And speak on our behalf. But as for us, we'll stay right here. We'll keep thinking and doing as we are accustomed to doing. You go and tell what God says." And in that moment, they rejected God's invitation to enter into a personal relationship and freedom to a continued slavery mindset. And that was when God showed up and answered my question. Why?
God told me that I'm just like the Israelites. I have chose Christ as my savior, but have not embraced Him as Lord. He has invited me into a purifying life of obedience and I have held onto my known things of this world. My pain and suffering we designed to draw me closer to God. Which they did. But my restlessness in my walk with Jesus is summarized simply as I haven't started to walk with him. I'm still reminiscing about the past and my love of things of this world. I had yet to walk up the mountain and allowed the grace of God to transform me. To purify my heart and prepare me for a true life in Christ. He revealed to me that I was not truly "ALL IN". I was restless, because my spirit already knew I was not. And the very nature or condition of my heart prevented me from experiencing all that God had for me. It was now simple. I needed to begin living in truth. And the first truth was there were things of this world that I liked. And if I truly wanted all that God had for me, I needed to give them up. Not some. Not a couple. But all of them. I first had to admit it. Then I need to be rid of it. Which I did.
Now, I am "ALL IN".
Do you know there are no original questions? What I mean is that there are no questions being asked that have not been asked before. Interesting thought isn't it? So when I asked God, "Why had pain made me deaf and blind" He had an answer waiting for me. In fact, His response to me was more like, "Let me show you how I've answered this before." So He took me to Exodus and the story of Moses. A truly magnificent story. Where Moses is called by God to deliver the Israelites from Egypt. And I responded by saying, "...Ummm...thanks?!? Love the story, but what does that have to do with my question?" And that is when I began to understand. Not by my own power, but by what he was revealing to me. Revealing to my heart. I recognized that I had asked another question, but without hesitation it was directly to Him. A light turned on in my head. So I did what any normal person would do. I read the story again. Same thing...I went, "Huh?" I didn't get it. So I asked Him again, only this time I asked Him to reveal it. Show me what He wanted me to see. And to my grateful amazement, he did just that.
Israel had been in bondage 400 years. Think about that. Not one person alive could remember someone who had once been free, let alone know anyone who had been. They were all slaves and it was all they knew. Freedom was only found in the stories they kept alive through their believe system. There was no priesthood yet, so this responsibility fell to the elders and family heads. They delivered these messages through story telling. Freedom had been reduced to a story and quite possibly, legend. And what they as a people grabbed a hold of and gave them hope was the promise God gave Abraham of a land of his and his decedents. The believed and hoped for deliverance so that they could enter this land one day. So at a time when the oppression had reach a high level, they began to cry out to God to deliver them and this cry reach Gods ears. God responded by sending Moses. Most know the story of Moses delivering the Israelites and the dialog he had with Pharaoh, the plague that consumed Egypt and the parting of the Red Sea once Pharaoh relented. But what God wanted me to pay close attention to was what happened on the other side of the Red Sea.
After the Red Sea had returned to it's natural state and killed the entire Egyptian army, Moses lead Israel to the Mountain of God. They set up camp and God descended upon the mountain in a cloud. There were earthquakes, lightning, and thunder so loud that it is almost impossible to imagine it. It was an unprecedented scene. It was an unprecedented time. God was ready to receive Israel and meet them all face to face. He delivered them and now he wanted them to meet their deliverer. What God didn't tell them or Moses was that by meeting Him there were some serious changes that need to occur. You see, slavery was all these people knew. It was a horrible life, but is was their life. They had grown accustomed to it. And even though they have cried out to God to be delivered, they actually had come to like it. And that is where the problem lay. That deep within their hearts, they liked being a slave. It was safe because it was all they knew. God wanted them to have different perspective. He wanted them to meet Him and by His power, be transformed with a new mind and a new purpose. But that is not what happened. Israel could not let go of the old ways. They chose to remain slaves within their minds and to not be truly and completely set free by the power of God. They responded to their invitation by saying, "Moses, you go. And speak on our behalf. But as for us, we'll stay right here. We'll keep thinking and doing as we are accustomed to doing. You go and tell what God says." And in that moment, they rejected God's invitation to enter into a personal relationship and freedom to a continued slavery mindset. And that was when God showed up and answered my question. Why?
God told me that I'm just like the Israelites. I have chose Christ as my savior, but have not embraced Him as Lord. He has invited me into a purifying life of obedience and I have held onto my known things of this world. My pain and suffering we designed to draw me closer to God. Which they did. But my restlessness in my walk with Jesus is summarized simply as I haven't started to walk with him. I'm still reminiscing about the past and my love of things of this world. I had yet to walk up the mountain and allowed the grace of God to transform me. To purify my heart and prepare me for a true life in Christ. He revealed to me that I was not truly "ALL IN". I was restless, because my spirit already knew I was not. And the very nature or condition of my heart prevented me from experiencing all that God had for me. It was now simple. I needed to begin living in truth. And the first truth was there were things of this world that I liked. And if I truly wanted all that God had for me, I needed to give them up. Not some. Not a couple. But all of them. I first had to admit it. Then I need to be rid of it. Which I did.
Now, I am "ALL IN".
